Random
by Ultima Mage
Summary: My first fanfic, random as possible. RR please. -Chap 8 up- Now in PG!
1. The attack of the Hunny Bears

Well, this is my first story, and it'll be as random as possible.  
  
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Kairi was sitting on the beach when Riku and mickey dropped out of the sky. Riku landed fine, but Mickey hit a giant mushroom that turned him into a blue pencil. Sora opened up a mysterious trap door and ate the pencil. Kairi wondered what on earth was going on, and Ansem delivered the paper OF DARKNESS!  
  
But the paper had a bug in it, which ate Sora and died from the taste. From the bug emerged Mickey, now a mouse, and Sora. They decided to have a tournament.  
  
In the tournament Selphie sacrificed a frog to Riku, but got killed anyway. Pooh then whipped Riku and said, "Yeah baby! I'm gonna destroy the world!" After this, he laughed evilly.  
  
  
  
"We have to stop him!" They all said, but they were killed. However, for no good reason they came back to life.  
  
"I will team up with Sephiroth and steal the world's supply of-"  
  
"Metal?" Sora interrupted Pooh.  
  
"Cookie Dough!!!"  
  
With the huge amounts of super-magic that he posseses, Pooh warped to the hunny tree to plot. Tidus dropped a fish in his shirt. Riku ate a flower pot, and Sora ate its dirt.  
  
"What will we do?" asked a random moogle. "They have taken the cookie dough!" Rabbit, Piglet, Eeyore, Pooh, and Sephiroth had joined together in a giant alliance!  
  
  
  
"AHHHHHH!!!!" Sora yelled in horror. How could it be? It was horrible. Terrible. Riku had deleted his kingdom hearts file!  
  
A guy named Bob laughed at his friend Mike.  
  
Leon ate a moogle.  
  
I got writers block.  
  
It was chaos.  
  
Kairi decided to defeat the Hunny Bears, as Pooh was calling his gang.  
  
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Short, but it IS my first fanfic......  
  
Will the Hunny Bears be killed? Or just imprisoned? Does Destiny Islands have the death penalty? 


	2. The new alliance

Chappy numero dos  
  
My forgotten Disclaimer (I get off because its my first, right?)  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom Hearts, or Final Fantasy, then I'd own Square. If I owned Square, would I be writing fanfictions?  
  
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The hunny bears just took over the world when all of a sudden......Aerith burped! It was so loud, and so powerful, that they all died.  
  
She realised that she could use it, and then decide to make herself into.....*drum roll* Burpwoman!  
  
Sora heard about this, and killed an innocent bystander. Then, Ariel came. "Whoa, Ariel, you have legs!" Sora said.   
  
"Yeah, I am going to join Burpwoman as Slapwoman!" She said.  
  
"Oh, that's nice." Sora proceed to chew on a salamander. Sephiroth walked by and was killed by some force.  
  
Riku bought KH2 and was upset that he wasn't a playable character.  
  
All of the princesses of heart walked by and Sora asked where they were going.  
  
"We're going to go join Burp and Slapwoman!" Aurora said. "I'm Sneezewoman, Kairi's Fartwoman, Alice is Boringwoman, Snow White is Singwoman, Belle is Playingwithfirewoman, Jasmine is Hairdresserwoman, Cinderella is Scratchwoman."  
  
"Oh Ok- Wait! I have to challenge you." Auroa sneezed as hard as possible, turning Sora into a pink Kleenex.  
  
"Then come to the evil lair!"  
  
"I will!" Sora gathered a team of Donald, Goofy, and Phil, and killed them because he hated them. Then he made a team of Riku, Mickey, and Ansem to fight with.  
  
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This story is getting a (horror) plot! More random in chappy 3.  
  
Next time: Albino iguanas? Ansem in love? Stereotypical villains? Only in this fic! 


	3. A word from our sponsers

Chap 3  
  
Ansem insisted on writing a chapter you see, so I had to give it to him.......  
  
A/N: Next chapter we'll do that villain thing, and the albino inguanas.  
  
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I'm sorry you had to see that.....but it was the only way he'd be in this fic.  
  
Ansem: OF DARKNESS!!!!!! 


	4. Battle of the women

Chap 4  
  
Disclaimer: It's on Chapter 2  
  
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Our heroes, locked in the epic struggle between good and evil- Whoa, that was a cliche. Anyway, back to the story. Our team of fighters went to Womanworld , what Wonderland got renamed as for no good reason. They approached Burpwoman, formerly known as Aerith.  
  
"You can't hurt me!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Why not?" asked Mickey.  
  
"Because....you haven't fought my minions yet!" She pulled a lever that just HAPPENED to be there, which opened a trap door that the party just HAPPENED to be standing on. They fell down seven stories. After which they climbed back to this fan fiction and got fighting.  
  
They fought Slapwoman, formerly known as Ariel, first. She slapped, and slapped, and slapped, until Sora, Riku, and Mickey died. So Ansem summoned the darkness and punched her! But it was OK because she was an evil villain, so he did not have to be polite just so he didn't hit a girl. Then, everyone else came back again. Why, we will never know.  
  
Then, it was Sneezewoman [A/N: Aurora, but from now on, just look in chapter two.]. "How did you turn back from a pink Kleenex?" she asked. Sora refused to comment. So she super-sonic-sneezed. It gave them COOTIES!! They ran around in circles, until Riku remembered that they all had gotten the cooties vaccine, so it was okay. Sora remembered that he learnes a new summon spell.  
  
"Give me strength!" he shouted as he summoned the forces of Tylenol PM, a force to be reckoned with.   
  
"No! I'm melting......." Needless to say, Sneezewoman melted.  
  
Then they fought Fartwoman. "But, Fartwoman, didn't this mean anything to you?" Sora, said, holding the Oathkeeper.  
  
"Not really. You get it with $1.50 shipping and handling if you send in four box tops from these cereals." She let off a spurt of gas and blew away a curtain, revealing cereal. Then, she used her noxious fumes to knock out everyone in the room. Unfortunately, Sora had just thrown a potion, so it hit him in the face and revived him. She, meanwhile, could not take her own powers. She died. Actually, she was just knocked out. (This is a G-rated fic.....)  
  
Then came Boringwoman. She was trying to break the villain stereotype by using her most powerful attack first.  
  
"To find the sum of all the interior angles, just remember (n-2)180, where n is the number of sides on a given polygon......" None of them, not even Ansem, expected Math to come. It filled there minds, they got drowsy, but Riku fired a quick Stopga at Boringwoman.....or more accurately, her mouth. "MMMmmmmmmm. Mmmmmm." She struggled. Finally Ansem defeated her with some duct tape of DARKNESS!!!  
  
Singwoman was horrible. Of all the horrrible things.....THAT outfit with THAT hair? So 1970s. Then she used her power.  
  
"When you walk awaaaay you dont't heeeeeeere meeeeee saaaaaaaay pleeeeeeeeeeeeease......" They all would have died if not for Ansem filling their ears with DARKNESS. They used the duct tape again.  
  
Playingwithfirewoman was if possible, even more stupid. When they got to her evil mini-lair, they fell into a swimming pool, of all things. Though it smelled a little like gas........PHOOM! Everyone was crispy bacon, except for Mickey, because as everyone knows mice don't burn. So he did the Curaga thing AGAIN and everything is Okey-dokey.  
  
That is, until they met Hairdresserwoman. She threw a barrage of those electric razor thingies, followed by a lot of scissors. Everyone's......unique......hair was ruined. They did some horrible not-printable-even-if-this-was-rated-R things to her, and borrowed her magic hair potion, which set things straight again.  
  
Scratchwoman scratched Ansem, Mickey, and Riku until they died AGAIN. Then Jiminy Cricket unleashed a can of whup-butt on old Scratchy. Everyone came back to life again.   
  
Burpwoman said, "You defeated my minions.....I must tell you my plans now." So she did. "And now my ultimate weapon, albino iguanas!" Everyone shuddered, but not Ansem. He loved iguanas.  
  
"Iguana, will you marry me?" Ansem proposed. It refused.  
  
"I am sorry, but my pure albino blood line means that I can not marry a non-albino." It refused.  
  
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!" Ansem was broken hearted. Burpwoman attacked. Everyone died, and so did Jiminy Cricket. Burpwoman was immune to her own fumes, can they win?  
  
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Two words: Cliff hanger.  
  
Or is it one word? : Cliffhanger   
  
Extra-long chappy. 


	5. Venting my anger

Well, you seem to like it.........  
  
Disclaimer: [insert disclaimer here, or go to chapter 2]  
  
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They were all dead. Burpwoman had won. How could the author let this happen? Well, the author came back from his coffee break and realized that he had let the situation get out of hand. Burpwoman's burp was too powerful for him to make them alive for no good reason........Ah, who cares? "QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM," the author said. Magically, it didn't work. So he just let the story play out.  
  
Which worked. You see, as Sora went to K.O. world, he dropped the keyblade that has been absent from this story. It hit the ground and made a locking motion. Smoke came, choking Burpwoman, and came the great.....MUSHU! He spat fireballs at Burpwoman, and though she tried to burp them back, her burps were flammable, and blew up. She died and the author quicky said, "BLABLABLA," preventing her from returning.  
  
So, four years later, Sora graduated from Keyblade State University. But that's another story. On another side. Right now, he was at the pool, diving deep. Actually, Riku was eating a printer cable, while Kairi kissed a picture of Sora with Selphie's head and Wakka's hair. Weird, eh?   
  
All the random people got together to kill Riku for being "cooler" than Sora. This is gonna be great.........   
  
"But his shoes are way to big!" Riku cried. When all all of a sudden.......Ansem appeared! All the people of the Anti-Riku Organization immeadiately went to him to worship him. The author thought he was so cool he presented him with a big bag of darkness, which he loved.   
  
"He thinks he's cooler than me." Ansem said, sending his fans to fight Riku. Obviously that evil piece of....um, poop, deserved to die a horrible death for those things he did, the little....um, naughty boy. So the author burned him alive.  
  
But just then, Riku fans jumped in front of the author's Fire Of Doom to save him. So they died too. Then, Sora showed up to help. He killed Riku multiple times, because the author kept using "QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM" to bring him back. Finally, we turned him into a heartless. And then Kairi, who hated him too, hugged him. But only half, so that he couldn't remember who he was. We told him that he was a Mexican clown on a mission to find out if he would get arrested for being nude in a public area, as long as he was painted. We also told him that the paint was invisible to him, but nobody else. Needless to say, it was milk.  
  
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I'm sorry Riku fans, its just that I can't see ANYTHING good about Riku. I, however, think that Ansem is the best.  
  
BEST VOICE ACTING!!  
  
BEST LINES!!!   
  
BEST CHARACTER DESIGN!!  
  
BEST LOOKING SPELLS AND ATTACKS!!  
  
Oh, Square, why did you make him easy, why???  
  
No offense to Riku. Back to the normal (Normal?? Yeah right.) stuff next chapter. 


	6. Secret Boss Parodies

It's been forever. BUT RANDOM SHALL NOT DIE! ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Sora and Kairi were taking a stroll when Ansem appeared. He did this freakish song and dance routine. Then he started to have a seizure and eat grass, as did his heartless named Bob. But then Bob started to fall in love with Kairi. But Sora slapped [Slaps are fun] him till he died and Ansem ate a bald eagle. Uncle Sam came and said, "Sam I am!" and started a big sissyfight.  
  
But Riku came and said, "I'm the biggest sissy of all!" and sissyfought them till they all died and went to the Farplane and met some dead FFX dudes. Than they came back and did the funky disco jive.  
  
Squall/Leon came and sang, "Play that funky music white boooooooy!" Everyone was very disturbed. They were in 0_o mode.  
  
But Goofy was on a quest to McDonald's and summoned them all to help. The evil Ronald McDonald was in league with the almost equally evil Donald Duck! They went to McDonald's and stole the Big Macs, cutting off his power. Then the almighty MIGHTY KIDS MEAL appeared. And the MIGHTY KIDS MEAL started shooting them with fries! They quickly deflected them back, until Riku, being an idiot, cast Kethupaga and that made the French fries grow huge![*coughicetitancough*]  
  
The almighty author just chuckled. Riku's Ketchupaga wore off and they continued fighting the MIGHTY KIDS MEAL. They defeated it and Ronald McDonald appeared, and used a grilling pillar of flame! Then he used Hamburger Harvest and it reduced them all to 0MP and 1HP but they healed themselves. [*Coughsephirothcough*] Of course, then came Spatula man, who whirled himself like a giant evil spiky Frisbee! [*Coughkurtzisacough*] They eventually killed everything, including the Milkshake who could only be attacked with magic and sometimes hit with physical and also had DOOM spells. [*Coughphantomcough*] When they beat everyone, they killed Donald.  
  
And then around the corner came Colonel Sanders! [KFC guy]  
  
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The original one returns. I am the KING OF RANDOM 


	7. PSYCHICS

Sora and Riku were doing absolutely nothing when RANDOM MAN came by and said, "Hey, you're doing absolutely nothing!!!"  
  
They now ran in fear as they new that RANDOM MAN was actually a PSYCHIC.  
  
They built a large anti-PSYCHIC machine, but the pieces went nuts and tried to kill them. They looked out the window and saw an army of Clairyvoiants, telepathics, pschokineticsits...in a word PSYCHICS!!! So they realized IT was the answer....they fired it....here it goes:  
  
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But the PSYCHICS all had reflective glasses on, barely dodging getting sued by Eoin Colfer, and were ready for battle. So Sora and Riku played the next trick..FROSTY THE SNOWMAN. But far away, in Spira, an Al Bhed girl who shall remain nameless, but has a name similar to a character from our story- "coughrikkucough" A random PSYCHIC said- was using the hairdrier "E muja co bufan tnoehk machina." Rik- er, the girl sang. So she melted FROSTY THE SNOWMAN !!! Sora and Riku were taken away to the Kingdom of Weird Poop.   
  
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Weird Poop!" The King of the land with the long name said. "So you hate PSYCHICS, eh? Take them to cell nine! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA stop tickling me. Ahem."  
  
"NOOOOOOO!!! NOT CELL NINE!!! That must be the special one of doom!" Sora cried in anguish.  
  
"Actually, the others are full. Cell nine is room nine in the Holiday Inn Express, they help. Now, GO!"   
  
Cell None was nice, but first they had to be tortured. Needless to say, it was with daytime TV, very inhumane. The next day, while being forced to watch The Price Is Right (which is not that bad), one guy asked them, "Are you hardened criminals?"  
  
"Uh, no." Sora said.  
  
"But we did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night." Riku added helpfully.  
  
This fic could go on for ever, so the author staged a breakout. To excite the readers, I didn't just sday: "Sora and Riku broke out." Oh no. In the deep reaches of space, Aerith's burp from Chap. 2 rebounded off the Black Hole of 0_o and hit the prison. Luckily, Sora and Riku ate beans, farted and propelled themselves to freedom. 


	8. BOB THE ALMIGHTY RULER OF ALL

Haven't updated in a while!  
  
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Sora and Riku had a escaped from the land of the long name, but still had problems. Everyone was after them. Until they all went after the army of clothespins who were chasing them. They'd been dispatched by BOB THE ALMIGHTY RULER OF ALL. And BOB THE ALMIGHTY RULER OF ALL was interested in Sora and Riku's exploits so he transported them to his magical castle made of dum dum dum LOW CARB CHOCOLATE.  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!! Sinners! Heathens! Those with no regard to the Holy Laws!"  
  
"Sora what did they do?" Riku queried  
  
"They made.... LOW CARB CHOCOLATE"  
  
"No. They didn't..."  
  
"They did! Taste it!"  
  
"Oh god...low carb!  
  
So our heroes visited BOB THE ALMIGHTY RULER OF ALL and forced BOB THE ALMIGHTY RULER OF ALL to eat the horrid substance that is LOW CARB CHOCOLATE. But then came Dr. Atkins came and shot health food at everyone! So they summoned French fries and launched them like rockets at D. Atkins, who was just another incarnation of BOB, THE ALMIGHTY RULER OF ALL. But finally BOB THE ALMIGHTY RULER OF ALL possessed Kairi so Sora ran up to her, exorcised and defeated forever BOB THE ALMIGHTY RULER OF ALL, and then went to Destiny Islands with Kairi. Then that night they  
  
CENSORED  
  
and finally decided to attack the powers of diet foods. They got a great big army of Heartless, and fought the Diet Army of Liverless Kidneyless Stomachless Brainless (not that they knew which side they were on but...) Bladderless (DO NOT ASK! DO NOT ASK!)  
  
Needless to say they were whipped and sent home with a note to their parents. But their parents are dead, so they forged signatures and got to go on the field trip anyway. And how did their parents die? Riku killed them silly. :p  
  
To the flamer:  
  
So sorry you didn't read further Chapter 1All other chapters.  
  
-Ultima Mage. 


	9. KairiSinging

Ok, here's my reason for not updating; This is not my priority fic. This is my stress relief fic. Let the pure randomness begin! Oh, and I found another Ansem fan! –Throws party-

"I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny! That when a girl walks in with"

"Kairi what the hell are you singing?" Sora said, having just climbed out of a humongous pile of crap. His doctor, Dr. Winnie T. Pooh, told him to do that.

"THE INVASION OF MASSIVELY HUGE AND SEXY GEESE HAS BEGUN!" She shrieked. And it was true, for at that very moment came the large sexy geese. But then Ansem He WILL be in EVERY chapter. Sorry killed everyone, resurrected Kairi, heard her sing, and killed her again. So now everyone except Kairi came back to life.

"I'm bored." Sora was bored.

"Me too."

"Me three."

"Me four."

-5HOURS LATER-

"Me Five hundred forty-three thousand, nine hundred thirty two and seventeen sixty-thirds."

"We don't have that many people in this game. Who got counted extra times?" Sora was still bored.

"Actually, we counted the massive army of Heartless that Ansem summoned and has currently taken over the universe with." Riku was bored too.

"Oh. Ok. I'm still bored."

"Let's play Yahtzee!"

"Let's play Monopoly!"

"Yahtzee!"

"Monopoly!"

-An additional 5 hours later-

"Let's go read !"

"No! You remember what happened the last several times!"

-Flashback in which every story in which Riku discovers is seen-

"So?"

"Let's destroy Ansem's large army!"

"Why?"

Riku pulled out a large book that read, "Rule 556535565562364565454, paragraph 9, and section 7.; If in any event two people are sitting with no other major events in their lives are present during the time of a villain taking over the world they must embark on an RPG quest which follows the other rules listed in this book, the great big book of video game cliches and rules."

"Then we must go to Ansem." Sora said. Moogles appeared and began chanting

"Follow the purple brick road! Follow the purple brick road!" They chanted.

"We're off to see the Ansem, the wonderful Ansem of Oz!" Riku sang with the moogles. The author was very annoyed. He smote the moogles and Riku, and then made them all get on with the quest, dangit!

Well? Well? Well?


End file.
